Empowering kids with disabilities doesn't come naturally to most parents.
Most of us spend considerable time adjusting to unexpected parenting duties after our children receive a diagnosis. We struggle with our roles as long-term advocates and caregivers. We fight hard to meet our kids' needs and access the services they need.
Empowering ourselves to be our children's champions can be a hard-fought, continual battle. Once we finally become empowered and effective caregivers, relinquishing our role and empowering our kids with disabilities to advocate and speak for themselves can be difficult.
And yet our job as parents is to raise our children, whatever their level of disability or special needs, to become as independent as they can. To give them agency. To teach them to use their voices to complete the purposes God created them to.
The challenge, of course, is how best to accomplish that task.
During my life as a parent, teacher, and now grandparent, I have found the 5 basic needs of humans described by psychiatrist William Glasser to be a useful tool. I'm writing this five-part series to show how meeting those needs helps empower our kids who have disabilities and special needs. The first post in the series dealt with the basic need for survival. The second examined the need for love and belonging. In this post, we move on to the basic human need for power.
The William Glasser Institute website describes this basic need by saying, "We are hard-wired to learn, and appreciate feelings of competence, value, and power. We feel good when we see the fruits of our effort and a continual failure to succeed, in turn, leads to dis-empowerment."
Ouch.
That definition bothers me because it brings to mind all the times when, instead of encouraging children to become competent in a skill area so they felt valued and powerful, I took over and did the thing myself. Because I could do it faster. And better. At least by my definition of better.
Double ouch.
But then I remember instances when I gave kids the time they needed to practice a skill. To fail at it. To try again. And eventually, master it. I think of how proud they were. How they saw themselves as worthy and valued. As agents of change. As people with purpose.
Photo by Pavol Štugel on Unsplash
So how can we meet this basic need to empower our kids with disabilities?
How can we encourage competence in medically fragile kids, developmentally delayed, have physical limitations, or have limited communication skills?
The answer is to meet kids where they are.
These strategies helped me meet my kids, students, and grandkids where they were:
Offer controlled choices when possible. Choices will vary depending on your child's age, ability, and interests. Your part is to provide at least two choices about what to wear or eat, what game to play or show to watch, where to sit, and what book to read together. As they get older, give them choices about where to go for vacation, what household chores they complete, post-high school living arrangements, and more. Allowing kids choices show that they are valued and competent decision-makers. It also allows them to practice an important life skill.
Show children what you are thinking when obstacles arise. Talk with your child about complications that arise and demonstrate how to deal with them. When a glass of milk spills say, "Oops, we need to mop that up with a towel and then rinse the towel so it doesn't get smelly." When the power or internet goes out say, "We should contact the utility company service desk about this." Whenever obstacles appropriate to your child's level of functioning arise, involve them in the problem-solving process as much as possible. By doing so, you are teaching your children how to respond to hiccups in life and find satisfaction in overcoming them.
Teach specific skills one small step at a time. The goal is to break a new skill into small, achievable parts. You want to match each step to your child's present abilities so they experience the satisfaction of working hard and being successful. Here's how that works for my seven-year-old grandson, who's learning to read. I select controlled vocabulary books that match his present reading ability. When we read together each night, he can read 90% of the words easily. When he reaches an unfamiliar word, I allow him time to sound it out. If he can't, I mention a phonics rule or provide a context clue, and he tries again. Usually, he gets the word. Very occasionally, I pronounce the word for him. Then we practice it a few times.
Repeat #3 for as long as it takes. Mastering a new skill requires practice. So give kids time to practice the new skill until they internalize it. Don't get frustrated by the amount of practice they need. Instead, point out how they are improving, how determined they are, and how you admire their persistence.
Rest and celebrate. Because after someone works hard, they need to kick back and have some fun. More fun in the next post in this series, by the way.
As parents of kids with disabilities and special needs, and as Jesus' followers, we know our children have inherent value. Sometimes though, because of how God made our kids, we struggle to communicate that truth. To meet their need for power over their own lives. To affirm their self-worth and purpose. The ideas above can help you be intentional about empowering kids with disabilities by meeting the basic need for power and a sense of self-worth God has placed within them.
Jolene Philo is the author of several books for the caregiving community. She speaks at parenting and special needs conferences around the country. She’s also the creator and host of the Different Dream website. Sharing Love Abundantly With Special Needs Families: The 5 Love Languages® for Parents Raising Children with Disabilities, which she co-authored with Dr. Gary Chapman, was released in August of 2019 and is available at local bookstores, their bookstore website, and Amazon. See Jane Sing!, the second book in the West River cozy mystery series, which features characters affected by disability, was released in November of 2022.
