Adjusting to any challenge is difficult, especially when the challenge is physically and emotionally draining. A life-altering diagnosis shifts attention on the problems and issues of the person needing care, and often the caregiver’s needs are overlooked, or at best, temporarily put aside.
Unfortunately, we don’t always know whether this care we give is for a season or a lifetime.
By the time we figure out that God has presented us with a challenge that will last a lifetime, the caregiver is already well into a routine that others think is going pretty smoothly. I say “going smoothly” because a caregiver eventually develops a routine—one that is usually very exhausting, but works. Others think it’s easy because the caregiver is “just doing what needs to be done” and doesn’t have time to ponder how tired or frustrated they are. A Walgreens ad put it best: “If only caregivers had caregivers.” Yes, the caregivers—supportive, sensitive, caring, available, loving, and tired.
Because caregiving can be, and often is, a full-time job, we need to understand that although great satisfaction can come from caring for a loved one, some outcomes can put the caregiver at risk as well. Like the tension on a piece of elastic, we can handle tension and frustration for a long time; but eventually, something has to give.
Stress involves feeling responsible for what we cannot control or putting pressure or strain on something. In some circumstances, stress can be beneficial, for example, when preparing to go to college or planning a wonderful wedding—activities that make us feel alive and excited. On the other hand, it can also be like dealing with difficult in-laws, money problems, divorce, or trying to accomplish too much in a day. Sometimes we get rolling, and we don’t know when whatever we are doing becomes too much or when the good stress turns bad—much like driving the highway without realizing we’ve gone from 60 to 80 mph when all of a sudden we see the police car on the side of the road! We may have been cruising for a while at 80 mph when suddenly, we realize we’d better slow down. Just as we grew accustomed to driving the highway at a high speed, we adjust to cruising life at unsafe speeds and become comfortable there. What we are doing works for us and even feel comfortable, but at some point, we will run out of gas!
We know what to do but often believe we can’t slow down. Or we fail to see the need until something stops us.
What might stop us is, for example, a marital relationship falling apart at the seams or our kids showing signs of rebellion because we aren’t taking care of the relationships properly. What has stopped me from time to time is my back “going out” or the time I lost huge clumps of hair, leaving a bald spot the size of a tennis ball on the side of my head. In our minds, we may think we’ve got it under control, but our bodies may start falling apart, unable to take the pressure we’re putting on them—emotionally or physically.
Many drive the road too weary without even knowing we were headed there.
Stressors like protecting the person we care for, the many choices we must make, life-threatening procedures or surgeries, financial burdens, guilt, dealing with the perceptions others have of our situation, disagreements on treatments, sibling resentment or extended-family squabbles, and finding competent medical doctors, therapists, and teachers all add up to pressure. Sometimes we put the stress on ourselves, and sometimes others try to put it on us.
Photo by David Lezcano on Unsplash
Of the 60 or so ideas shared in Unexpected Journey-When Special Needs Change our Course, here are a few ways for caregivers to begin to care for themselves:
Establishing boundaries with people
Budget “buffer” time into the day – allowing time for unexpected delays, planned pressure, emergencies, and “life”
Listen to slow, soothing music rather than fast or loud music
Pray
Get exercise
Laugh! Laugh hard!
Cry—Cry hard!
Enjoy a movie—even if it has to be one you rent when you can’t get out
Play a game
Say yes to help
Seek support from support groups or others in a similar situation
Allow others to help, but don’t wait for others to see that you have a need. When you sense you need a break, find ways in your situation that will allow for it—be creative, look for ways to get refreshed because if we don’t take good care of ourselves, we can’t take good care of our loved one who needs us!
Dr. Joe and Cindi Ferrini share their newest book: Love All-Ways: Embracing Marriage Together on the Special Needs Journey (order at www.cindiferrini.com). They are authors, speakers, and bloggers for several blogging sites on marriage, family and special needs. They spoke nationally for FamilyLife Weekend To Remember Marriage Get-a-Ways for 20 years, authored *Unexpected Journey – When Special Needs Change our Course, and have been interviewed on Focus on the Family, FamilyLife Today, Janet Parshall at “In the Market”, Chris Brooks of “Equipped” and various other radio and television venues. Connect with them at: www.cindiferrini.com and via social media at: www.facebook.com/cindi.ferrini, www.facebook.com/UnexpectedJourney/, www.facebook.com/MyMarriageMatters/
